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Movie Breakdown: The Hitman’s Bodyguard (Noah)

August 17, 2017

Film

Pre-Screening Stance:

I have been oddly amused by the trailers for The Hitman’s Bodyguard. It may be the cast – Samuel L. Jackson and Gary Oldman in Old European Villain Mode – or it may be that the trailer paints it as a sprightly, action-comedy. Or, it may be that my standards for film viewing have finally crumbled under the weight of modern Hollywood and that anything that isn’t VeggieTales seems pretty fucking great.

Post-Screening Ramble:

The Hitman’s Bodyguard can only be described as sub-par. It’s a loosely jumbled together, action-comedy that squanders some serious star power in favor of dick jokes and badly cut action sequences. The story is basically The Hangover but with assassins. Michael Bryce (Ryan Reynolds) is an elite security person who, after the brutal murder of his client, has fallen on hard times. When his ex-girlfriend (twist!) hires him to move a key witness, super assassin Darius Kincaid (Samuel L. Jackson), things go wrong and the two old enemies have to try to find their way to Amsterdam, dodging (and killing) baddies all the way. It isn’t really a movie, but a structure that allows for the illusion of suspense and some riffing moments between the two leads. And you’d think that Reynolds and Jackson could drum up some chemistry, but they (like every other actor in the film) feel like they were paid to pretend to be an actor portraying an assassin. Even Gary Oldman (old reliable himself) isn’t given enough to justify his presence. He spends the majority of the film in a hotel room or a generic court until he doesn’t. That’s pretty much the condensed version of his storyline. Selma Hayek might fare the worst though. There’s a glimpse, early on in the film of tangible romance between her and her incarcerated assassin husband, but it’s quickly swept under the carpet in favor of loud screeching and unexplained meanness. Beyond that everything feels meta, and all of it feels fake and entirely unbelievable. Sure, Hughes stuffs as many action scenes in beautiful European locales as possible, but those don’t add anything. Hughes camera lingers too close, his cuts too quick, and what comes out are messy, sloppy bits of film. Sadly, even with Reynolds and Jackson trying EXTREMELY hard, there’s not much to laugh at here. Hughes has made an almost toneless film, mean spirited and crass but still reaching for some sort of emotional pay off, leaving his actors on the side of the road with their thumbs out.

One Last Thought:

Mediocrity can fucking stuff it. Give me great movies or movies that reach so high they just can’t touch the prize. This middling, action-comedy crap – that I’m fine without.

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