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Movie Breakdown: Seventh Son

February 5, 2015

Film

People are doing traditional-style reviews all over the web, so we decided to try something different.  In each “breakdown” we’ll take a look at what a film’s marketing led us to believe, how the movie actually played, and then what we learned from it all.  Read on!

The Impression:

Some guy is the seventh son of the seventh son, so Jeff Bridges trains him to kill monsters and witches.  Or something like that.

The Reality:

If you’re hoping that Seventh Son is one of those funny-bad movies that eventually becomes entertaining fodder for TNT’s 4am slot, then prepare to be disappointed, as it is a giant, generic bore of a film.  I tried to find something quirky or fun about it, but the whole thing is just so damn lame.  Jeff Bridges is once again Rooster Cogburn (True Grit > RIPD > Seventh Son) with a plucky sidekick (this time it’s Ben Barnes looking like a medieval hipster) and he has to “save the world” from witches who occasionally turn into dragons.  I suppose the witch dragons could have been cool. but they don’t actually do anything but hangout in a castle.  They don’t burn any villages or turn people into weird creatures.  Hell, they don’t even actually declare that they’re going to destroy the world.  They just hangout on the top of a mountain in a castle and look at something called the Blood Moon.  If anything, the movie is just one big hate crime.  All those poor witches accosted because some cowboy doesn’t trust them!  How rude.  And I know what you must be thinking, that while the majority of the film is lame, there’s surely some badass scenes where the “seventh son” does something way cool.  Nope.  He is quite possibly the most uninteresting and useless hero of all time.  Just instantly forgettable.  If you see Seventh Son, you will be disrespecting yourself and America.

The Lesson:

Hey Jeff, it’s time to create a new character.

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