Due to some
technical difficulties, I was unable to make my
trailer-related picks from last week. I was rushing about
the windy, near-frigid streets of New York, broke-ass
computer weighing me down, striving, with all of my
exasperated might to find an Apple-sponsored store. But
alack and alas, nothing.
It's alright though, this week my approval and dismissal of
movies based on their minute-long trailers will be twice as
amazing. I wrote that in stone on a rock in the garden, so
you know it has to be true.
Alex and I just returned from New York. Thus the waves of
cynicism and dry wit are not of your imagination.
As always, thanks for reading.
Hitting Theaters This Weekend:
2012
Director:
Roland Emmerich
Stars: John Cusack, Amanda Peet, Chiwetel Ejiofor
What Is It?: The newest world-destruction movie by the
modern-master of world destruction himself, Roland Emmerich.
It's 2012 and those damn Mayan's were right, the world is
coming to an end. With that in mind, a seemingly unending
amount of destruction is wrought upon every major monument
in the world.
The Trailer?: The reason why trailers exist it seems.
An unending onslaught of images of destruction with just a
tease of dialogue let alone plot. What I got from this was
that Roland Emmerich was so pissed off about the abomination
that was 10,000 BC he took it out on the make believe
world of 2012. Can you just imagine this evil man, just
looming over the editors, "No, make it explode. Yes, even
Mt. Rushmore." I imagine he has a white cat, and an
arm made of steel.
Will I See It?: Logically, no. I've already seen the
whole damn film in the trailer. Everything else will be
hastily tossed together plot lines involving Americans
becoming heroes, and the world coming together in the face
of adversity. Realistically? Yes, I will end up at SF's
Playstation-looking Metreon with roommate Jon-Marc, stuffing
my gut with popcorn, while this film blasts on the big
screen.
Alex Says: I guess I just worry about his psyche, what
with him making all of these end of the world films. Maybe
he needs to watch more kitty videos.
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
38%
PIRATE RADIO
Director:
Richard Curtis
Stars: Bill Nighy, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Nick Frost
What Is It?: The man behind Notting Hill and
Love Actually throwing his weight behind a fictional
account of the true life story of a pirate radio station
that blasted the hits of the 60s and 70s from the
international waters off the coast of London.
The Trailer?: A little cornball, I'll be honest. The
epic voice-over makes Radio Rock seem the savior of rock and
roll. That without a bunch of DJs spinning from a boat in
the North Sea, that we the people of the world, would be
bereft of drums, guitars, and basses as we know it. I can't
believe that's true. Aside from hyperbole and a touch of
cheese though, the trailer makes the film look to be a bit
of rollicking good times and with a smashing sound track to
boot.
Will I See It?: In a theatre? No. At home, in the
comfort of my blankies and dozing? Yes.
Alex Says: To the hopeful, burgeoning explosion of
pirate radios the world over.
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
52%
THE FANTASTIC MR. FOX
Director:
Wes Anderson
Stars: George Clooney, Meryl Streep, Owen Wilson
(voices)
What Is It?: Wes Anderson (The Royal Tenenbaums)
first venture in to the altogether entirely too under
utilized realm of stop motion animation. His first stab? The
wild world of Roald Dahl's The Fantastic Mr. Fox. A
fox and crew plot to overthrow a trio of vicious farmers so
they can live the above-land life that every rodenty-weasel
creature dreams of.
The Trailer?: Sublime. Wes, (if I may call him by his
first name), is easily my favorite director so even a two
minute slice of this cheeky bit of fox-related fun has me
reeling like a top at a bar mitzvah. Crushes aside, I think
the film looks genuinely beautiful and seems to neatly exist
in Anderson's slowly evolving world. I'd imagine this would
be the film Richie Tenenbaum and crew were allowed to watch
before bed.
Will I See It?: Twice.
Alex Says: I wish I was friends with Bill Murray.
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
92%
THE MESSENGER
Director:
Oren Moverman
Stars: Ben Foster, Samantha Morton, Woody Harrelson
What Is It?: A super popular film on the festival
circuit. It's a Iraq war drama set in America about the Army
folk tasked with dropping the bad news about those killed in
action. Oren Moverman's a successful, and talented
screenwriter (see the amazing I'm Not There) and this is his
directorial debut.
The Trailer?: Pretty exceptional. Eerie, moving, just
barely giving you a glimpse of what happens, or in this
case, what could happen. Though there's a peek of the Ben
Foster I hate (the smug, smarmy bastard who overacts through
every film ever shoveled his way) the chemistry between him
and Harrelson and Morton seems riveting. Also, I'm
absolutely sold on a film that uses a full song in their
trailer. I'm tired of temp classical music, it's boring and
I do not enjoy being bored.
Will I See It?: Hopefully, though small films like
these that aren't pushed right up my kazoo each and every
minute, sadly tend to slip from my radar. Looks like a
stunningly made downer though.
Alex Says: Oh. So depressing, what an awful career
track.
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
91%
DARE
Director:
Adam Salky
Stars: Emmy Rossum, Ashley Springer, Zach Gilford
What Is It?: A film about three high school seniors.
Any more about it would automatically display my dislike for
the film. And I have two more sections that I'd like to be
able to write.
The Trailer?: Like any film about three high school
seniors you've ever seen. Though in this one, gasp, there's
a love triangle between an attractive girl, a rich - but
angry - kid, and a dork figuring out his sexuality. Also,
this trailer has clip art of someone texting. Clip art of
someone texting. Should I write it again or does the concept
of texting clip-art adequately display my rage?
Will I See It?: Even if I hopped in a time machine and
shot back to the days before I had a hair phoenix spread
across my chest, I would not see this film. Even if I was
fourteen and every attractive girl I thought about in the
wee hours of night asked to accompany me, I would not see
this film. Even if the shiny barrel of a high-powered
revolver was pressed against my head, I would not see this
film.
Alex Says: The music alone was so trashy. Also those
actors are in their 30s. It's illegal to be in high school
at that age.
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
58%
WOMEN IN TROUBLE
Director:
Sebastion Gutierrez
Stars: Carla Gugino, Josh Brolin, Joseph Gordon-Levitt,
etc.
What Is It?: A film about women, in trouble from
Sebastian Gutierrez, an indie film director who's spent some
time wallowing in the horror gutters of big film recently.
This, if the trades can be trusted, is supposed to be his
glorious return.
The Trailer?: Filled with beautiful women, almost
entirely in their underwear. And I'll say that, yes, on a
certain basic level, this is always attractive, but in the
context of a trailer that's playing a song torn from the
speakers of Starbucks and littered with unfunny one-liners
and cliches about, er, womanhood, it's just repulsive. The
trailer looks like somebody dropped their mom's digital
camera in a puddle, but still wanted to make a movie. And by
that, I mean, it looks real bad.
Will I See It?: Never. Again, the collection of
attractive actors in their knickers is appealing, but it
just doesn't push me over the hump.
Alex Says: This film should be demoted to a television
show, following Ken Burns: National Parks.
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
28%
Final Thoughts:
I mean, it's a sad week. If I'm feeling stupid, 2012.
If I'm feeling like my day was just a bit too happy, The
Messenger. If I'm feeling like pushing myself towards
suicide, any of the other Hollywood miscarriages presented
this week.
Alex's Final Thoughts: Lets all move to New York ... they
have really good movies there.
Noah Sanders is the blog/news editor at Light In The
Attic and a contributor at Sound On The Sound and
the KEXP blog. He also has his own
Criterion-based film site, Criterion Quest.
If you'd like to contact Noah in regards to his
writings here at Side One: Track One then please do
so
here.
- Noah Sanders
-
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Unless
otherwise expressly stated, all text in this blog and any
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