Movie Breakdown: Dark Phoenix
Pre-Screening Stance:
Is anyone excited for Dark Phoenix? I know the X-Men films have long been hit or miss, but there just seems to be zero buzz for this one. Even the marketing feels like a big shoulder shrug. Personally, I just hope it isn’t as bad as Apocalypse.
Post-Screening Ramble:
Well, the good news is that Dark Phoenix isn’t Apocalypse (i.e. one of the most inconsequential and forgettable entries in the X-Men franchise). The unfortunate news, however, is that Dark Phoenix is bad in a different kind of way – it’s unintentionally hilarious.
In the first part of the movie there’s an update on the worldwide status of the X-Men – they’re beloved heroes! Professor X (a bored James McAvoy) is their award-winning, well-respected leader, kids paint themselves blue to honor Mystique (a bored Jennifer Lawrence), there are X-Men action figures, and so on and so forth. There’s no real reason given for the public change of heart – I assume it has something to do with the team stopping Apocalypse in the last film, but give that he was a mutant, it seems like the masses would still be against them. Who knows though.
Because the mutants are now considered superheroes, they’re sent off to space to help some astronauts, and it’s here that Jean Grey (Sophie Turner in full-on pouty Sansa-mode) absorbs what everyone says is a solar flare (even though they acknowledge it couldn’t be a solar flare) and then she “evolves” into something different. In reality though, it’s still her, she now just has a very short temper, skin that cracks and she cries a lot. If you think about it, this is just typical stuff that happens to teens, which is pretty funny. In any case, a moody, super-powered telepath seems like it should be a big enough handful for the X-Men here, but for whatever reason there’s also Vuk (Jessica Chastain, somehow even more pale than usual), the leader of some very powerful aliens who want the “solar flare” but don’t seem to want to outright take it. This means the movie oscillates between the X-Men telling Jean Grey that she’s still Jean Grey and Vuk trying to convince Jean Grey that she’s not Jean Grey. It’s honestly fairly tiresome, but because of the poor CG, horrible dialogue and baffling decisions made by every character, there’s a lot to laugh at in between each side pleading for Grey’s attention.
You should not spend your money (or anyone else’s, for that matter) to see Dark Phoenix. It’s a very dumb, low effort and poorly made film that’s going to be mocked for years to come.
One Last Thought:
This end of this film is stupid. I won’t spoil it, but that’s mainly because I don’t even want to bother discussing it.
One More Last Thought:
Occasionally, some unknown character gets horrifically murdered or maimed by the X-Men, and it’s always really weird. I think it’s meant to be like when Wolverine rages on all those random military guys in X2, but somehow it just comes off as gratuitous here.
