For the
sake of not having to write the same intro a million
different ways throughout the rest of time, just know that
this column avoids the overly long and sometimes dull
process of full film reviews and instead opts to break
things down based on what I thought going in, what happened
while I was there and what I learned at the end of it all.
Thanks for reading!
The
Breakdown - Ted
The Impression:
From the trailer it looks like Seth MacFarlane has finally
been given the chance to make his live-action rendition of
Family Guy, this time with Peter Griffin being played
by an animated stuffed bear, and Chris Griffin being played
by Mark Wahlberg.
The Reality:
There’s actually a line in the film where Ted, the lifelong
magically animated friend of slacker man-child John Bennett
(Mark Wahlberg in particularly sloth-like form) says, and
I’m paraphrasing, "I don’t sound that much like Peter
Griffin." The audience laughed of course ("this is that
movie directed by that guy who did that show with the fat
dude with the testicle chin, and that little stuffed bear
sounds just like that guy with the testicle chin and they
just totally acknowledged that") but the joke points at the
film’s main issue: it is nearly beat-for-beat, an episode of
Family Guy writ large across the big screen. I’ll
admit after my days of weed of Ritalin, my love for the
hyper-kinetic pop culture riffs of the uber popular
Family Guy failed to entertain me anymore, that said I
understand it’s easily digestible offensiveness and don’t
begrudge a single person for enjoying it. Ted though
is Family Guy light. As if Seth MacFarlane was given
the keys to the Hollywood Castle for the craziest party he
could possibly throw, and all he did was grab some wine
coolers and that girl from down the street that’s always
hanging around. It has the crude outline of what a Family
Guy episode might look like (particularly dumb
protagonist, surprisingly hot and slightly naggy wife (here
played by Mila Kunis), a smart but troublesome sidekick
(Seth MacFarlane’s Ted) - there’s even laser-fast flashbacks
and asides, a trademark of the MacFarlane’s humor) but
somehow the film, for the most part, arrives bereft of any
the show’s trademark lunacy and raunch. Sure, a hooker takes
a shit on a floor, and sure, Giovanni Ribisi’s character
pelvic thrusts to a Tiffani video, but for the most part
it’s the story of a guy, his teddy bear, and the fact that
they like Flash Gordon bubble-wrapped in a shocking
amount of treacle. Perhaps, Seth MacFarlane hit the nail
exactly on the head, perhaps all he wanted was to open the
door to the Hollywood Castle by showing that he could do
light offense (and where the sexual raunchiness is limited,
the racial offensiveness is impressive) wrapped in a sugary
sweet bit of Hollywood. Or maybe the lore of Family Guy
is ingrained so deeply in MacFarlane, that this is what a
film looks like when he’s trying to do something original -
the characters and themes so persistent they just push on
through. Whatever the reasoning, the film strives too hard
to hit both tones and what emerges is a film that rides the
line, rarely jumping in to the territory that Seth
MacFarlane inhabits best - the shockingly crude.
The Lesson:
Seth MacFarlane fucking loves making Family Guy. And
he sits on a pile of money somewhere under a bronze statue
of Peter Griffin, so, well, good for him.
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