For the
sake of not having to write the same intro a million
different ways throughout the rest of time, just know that
this column avoids the overly long and sometimes dull
process of full film reviews and instead opts to break
things down based on what I thought going in, what happened
while I was there and what I learned at the end of it all.
Thanks for reading!
The
Breakdown - Real Steel
The Impression:
Shawn Levy, in the most frank way I can describe him, is a
shitty director. He’s made awful movies that most readers of
this site have thought once or twice about defecating on.
His take on a movie based on a 1970s toy for kids may be the
worst idea to ever escape Hollywood. Well except for that
Adam Sandler movie where he plays both himself ... and his
sister.
The Reality:
I wish I could say I hated this movie entirely, but I
didn’t. So I’ll just write down the things I hated from this
movie:
1. I hate plucky kids. Especially when the plucky children
are the focus of the movie and they fill every conceivable
minute of silence with a plucky phrase about taking things
to the top. If this movie was just about Hugh Jackman’s
boozed up loser of a character and featured robots beating
each other up I would have given it two thumbs up.
2. I hate that this movie is not about robots fighting. That
is a dirty trick the studios pulled on me, and probably you.
You’ll go in to the theater thinking you’re about to see a
film about robots beating on each other and yes that occurs
but what you’re really going to see is a film about a father
and a son and their estrangement and how a little robot
named, sigh, Atom brings them back together. Don’t trick me
Hollywood!
3. I hate that Danny Elfman is so worthless now. What
happened to the man behind Batman and Beetlejuice?
This film sounds like it was scored a mentally disabled
clone of Howard Shore. When there’s not swelling strings
announcing a heart breaking moment the score is filled with
badly out of place rap music culled from the late 90s.
Elfman, get it together!
Aside from these weighty accusations though, the film isn’t
that terrible. Hugh Jackman is likable, the scenes where
robots fight each other are for the most part entertaining
and this is far and above Shawn Levy’s most enjoyable film.
The Lesson:
I want to see this movie but without plucky child star and
with more gritty, noir-like robo-beatings.
- Noah Sanders
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