For the
sake of not having to write the same intro a million
different ways throughout the rest of time, just know that
this column avoids the overly long and sometimes dull
process of full film reviews and instead opts to break
things down based on what I thought going in, what happened
while I was there and what I learned at the end of it all.
Thanks for reading!
The
Breakdown - Season Of The Witch
The Impression:
Nicolas Cage is in a lot of tax trouble these days, Dominic
Sena hasn’t made a good movie since Kalifornia and
Ron Perlman, well he’s trying really hard. The combination
doth not bode well.
The Reality:
Perhaps it was the shocked titter of my movie viewing
companion, or the utter glee emitting from a fellow critic
one seat down, but my experience with Mr. Sena’s stab at the
fantastical was actually pretty enjoyable. Not to say that
it makes this film a good one though, because it isn’t, not
even for a second. Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman star as
deserted Catholic knights tasked by a local cardinal (an
unrecognizable Christopher Lee) to transport an evil witch
(Clare Foy) to an abbey of monks. Along the way they’re
besieged by CGI wolves (a trend that needs to come to a
crashing halt), broken bridges, the urge to kill and the
mystery of the supposed Black Witch. If the fifteen minutes
of slapped together Crusade warfare that introduces Cage and
Perlman in to the mix doesn’t put you off, there’s plenty
further on down the road to do so. There’s no real dialogue
in the film, instead the characters (a shoddy selection of
stick-figure thin caricatures loosely divided by a love or
lack of love for the church) just spew forth exposition or
variations on stock one-liners in small enough doses that
the film is able to shudder along between cheap action set
pieces and loftily composed monologues. Dominic Sena isn’t a
good director, pure and simple, and Nic Cage can’t act
unless surrounded by equal talented individuals. I could go
on, and on and on, but I need not, see this film for free,
or see it on a lark with a bottle of mead burning in your
belly.
The Lesson:
Nicolas Cage + tax trouble doesn’t equal quality movie
choices.
- Noah Sanders
-
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