Friday, January 22, 2010

Jesus H. Christ, are the holidaze finally fucking over?  Has the sentimental wash of all things big and bloated floated on past?  Are we now knee deep in the always terrifying Doldrums of Early '10?  Yes, yes, and yes.  Well, here I am again, feebly clawing at the doors of this weekend's releases, attempting to give you, possibly discerning film viewers, my opinions on just what might be coming out this weekend.

As I've warned before, I haven't seen a single one of these films, I'm, sadly, basing my thoughts and opinions solely on the buzz I'm constantly trying to avoid, and the trailers which I obsessively watch.  I'm wrong, often, and I'd loved to be called on it.

As always, my cinematic companion, the lovely Alex Healy, will be injecting her two-cents via a sharp kick to Hollywood's backside.

Thanks for reading!

Hitting Theaters This Weekend:






LEGION
 

The Director:  Scott Stewart (What We Talk About When We Talk About Love)

The Stars:  Dennis Quaid, Paul Bettany, Charles S. Dutton

The Studio:  Screen Gems

The Synopsis:  God is pissed at humankind, and as a pissed off Old Testament creator might just go about doing, he sends a wave of death-dealing angels to destroy this black-hole of spirituality.  Somehow the Archangel Michael ends up wingless at a gas-station trying to save some baby that may or may not be the world's last hope.

The Trailer?:  I have seen this trailer so many times in front of so many movies.  Somehow Screen Gems made a deal with the Devil that allowed him to convince studios that this piddling bit of religious action-adventure was a major motion picture.  If I have to see that clown monster ice cream man or that creepy old bag at the beginning ever again, I'm going to find a church and throw myself off it.  Paul Bettany, God should've excommunicated you, you're careers a giant festering pile of bad choices.

Will I See It?:   Will I accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior?  No.  And I'm certainly not seeing this turd floating in holy water either.

Alex Says:  Dennis Quaid is in it. Dennis Quaid, a former drug addict. Dennis Quaid, a former wife to Meg Ryan. Dennis Quaid, a former Baptist. However, this film looks like soft serve from a sofa button. Certainly not even using Noah's free movie passes for this one.

Rotten Tomatoes Score:  N/A

By the way, John did a Breakdown on it, and it wasn't exactly positive.
 

THE TOOTH FAIRY
 

The Director:  Michael Lembeck (a festering load of teevee)

The Stars:  Dwayne Johnson, Ashley Judd, Julie Andrews

The Studio:  20th Century Fox

The Synopsis:  A hockey player (Dwayne Johnson) is an ass, and somehow the tides of the universe turn against him and he's turned in to the tooth fairy.  Surely life lessons are learned at the cost of humor or plot.

The Trailer?:  I shouldn't have even watched this trailer, what with the film already bearing the worst tagline of all time.  "You Can't Handle The Tooth" makes my teeth grind and my bowels shake.  Sadly, for your entertainment, I watched this trailer and goodness me, if I'm not just fuming right now.  Billy Crystal?  This is your comeback film  Also, somebody execute Julie Andrews, the old bat's gone off the reservation.

Will I See It?   Never.  Ever.  I'm sad I even know about it.  What I will do is never see another film that features Ashley Judd or Julie Andrews, the female forms of box-office poison.

Alex Says:  I think this film might be well-suited for children along the lines of a pre-pubescent age. Haha, wrestlers in tutus. Haha, isn't gender fucking hilarious? Speaking of gender fucking...

Rotten Tomatoes Score:  10%
 

EXTRAORDINARY MEASURES
 

The Director:  Tom Vaughn (What Happens In Vegas)

The Stars:  Harrison Ford, Brendan Fraser, Keri Russell

The Studio:  CBS Films

The Plot:  Two desperate parents (Brendan Fraser and Keri Russell) seek the aid of a crotchety crackpot researcher (Harrison Ford) to find a cure for their dying son.

The Trailer?:  This is a film produced by CBS Films (an offshoot of the shittiest television network) and it shows.  This looks like a Lifetime Channel film, starring a bunch of actors that deserve to be slurping out of that trough anyways.  If I ever have to see Harrison Ford play a grumpy old man ever again...

Will I See It?:   No!  I can't believe that for one reason or another I've seen this trailer more than once.  Disbelieving, hell I'm angry that I've seen just the two minute trailer.  I imagine if I see the actual film it'd probably end in bloodshed ... for someone.

Alex Says:  Is this really a film that's coming into theaters? I'm shocked. I just want to make sure this is truly a film where you can buy a bag of delicious popcorn and watch Noah eat most of it. This film trailer is posing. It's actual form is a Lifetime original classic and has Judith Light as the starring roll. Go back to Mona.

Rotten Tomatoes Score:  21%
 

CREATION
 

The Director:  Jon Amiel (Entrapment, The Man Who Knew Too Little)

The Stars:  Paul Bettany, Jennifer Connelly

The Studio:  Newmarket

The Plot:  From trailer alone, it seems to be the story, cut-and-dry, of Charles Darwin (Paul Bettany) and that damned Origin of Species book he wrote.  A bio-pic about the creator of evolution.

The Trailer?:  Booooooooooooooooooring.  How come biopics can nearly never do anything but troll the same damn line as everything that's come before it.  There will be a rise, a fall, hardship, and then success.  Somebody, please, drag me off a cliff.  Pronto.

Will I See It?:  Did I read Origin of Species when I was asked to in college?  No.  Will I see a movie about its duller than dull creator?  Absolutely not.

Alex Says:  Charles Darwin had mutton chops? I could be into it.

Rotten Tomatoes Score:  50%
 

THE GIRL ON THE TRAIN
 

The Director:  Andre Techine (The Witnesses, Changing Times)

The Stars:  Emilie Dequenne, Catherine Deneuve, Michel Blanc

The Studio:  Strand Releasing

The Plot:  A girl (Emilie Dequenne) fakes an anti-Semitic attack on a train, for what reason I can not discern.  Of course, as these things tend to do, it avalanches in to a mighty fine ball or wax.

The Trailer?:  Honestly, pretty damn fine.  Don't know if it's because I've just sat through some of the shittier trailers of my life, but there's a sense of mystery here that propels me to at least think about seeing this film.  I've no idea why anyone would fake an anti-Semitic attack on a train, but I'm curious to find out.

Will I See It?:  Hell, I might just be high off the fact that this trailer didn't make me see red, but yes, I might search this out and I might just pay money to see it.  Might.

Alex Says:  Ooh! Looks tre magnifique. The Frenchies are so gorgeous.

Rotten Tomatoes Score:  75%
 

TO SAVE A LIFE
 

The Director:  Brian Baugh

The Stars:  Randy Wayne, Deja Kreutzburg, Joshua Weigel

The Studio:  Samuel Goldwyn Films

The Plot:  High school super stud Jake Taylor (Randy Wayne) has his life irrevocably altered when a peer from his youth shoots himself in front of him.

The Trailer?:  "I'm mean not cool enough? How messed up is that?"  Don't know if they were going for authentic dude talk here, but any trailer with that line in it automatically gets jettisoned to Shit Island.  Hell, the whole slew of movies this week are in the running for an escape pod to Shit Island.

Will I See It?:   I will not see Varsity Blues 2: The Worst Movie Ever.  Not now, not never.

Alex Says:  Teenage suicide could surely use some dissemination of information, but this film (sigh) is probably not the one to be disseminating. I wish all the angsty teens out there more make out sessions. There just needs to be more making out.

Rotten Tomatoes Score:  N/A
 

Final Thoughts:  Worst week of movies possibly ever.  Not a single inkling of attractive film in the whole lot.  I'll stay home this weekend and try to make the violent thoughts go away.

Final Thoughts for Alex:  Do I get final thoughts? Sure. Noah is a gem. Is there a picture of him on this thing? He's hot like a Frenchie too.
 

- Noah Sanders - -



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