Blast, just when you think Hollywood might be starting a
parade of goodness, they pump out a week of iffiness like
that isn't terrible, it just isn't anything that makes me
want to get up and get out to the theaters. It just makes
me want to sit on my leather couch and watch old episodes of
The A-Team while eating baby back ribs and
questioning my life. Or something of that sort.
Nonetheless, my weekly assault on all things Hollywood
continues, inane as it might be.
Summary:
In the wake of apocalypse a bunch of burlap sack knit dolls
band together to save the world. Somehow a metal dragon
beast is fought.
Thoughts:
I was damn excited about this film for weeks and weeks and
weeks as the animation is beautiful and the trailers created
the idea that it might actually be something to look out
for. Sadly, my favorite online critic (Drew McWeeney from
HITFIX) posted his review this week and it's a scathing
piece of vitriol for the storyline. I blame the director of
Wanted (Timur something-or-other) for injecting it
with style and absolutely no plot. I'm sad and disappointed
in advance.
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
59%
I CAN DO BAD ALL BY MYSELF
Director:
Tyler Perry
Cast:
Tyler Perry
Summary:
Madea, Tyler Perry's obnoxious female counterpart, does
something with burglars. My rage at another entry in this
film series coming to light is too much for me to write
anything.
Thoughts:
Damn it to Hell. How does Tyler Perry continue to make
movies like this? I have absolutely nothing to say of a
positive nature for this film, so I'm just going to move
on. But know this, I was so surprised when I scrolled down
and saw that this film was being released this week, that I
almost dropped my afternoon cup of Ovaltine and vodka.
That's how surprised I was.
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
N/A
WHITEOUT
Director:
Dominic Sena
Cast:
Kate Beckinsale, Gabriel Macht, Tom Skerritt
Summary:A
U.S. Marshall flies to the outer reaches of Antarctica to
solve a murder.
Thoughts:
You know the comic book this is based on is renowned and
written by a favorite of mine. Also, Dominic Sena made
Kalifornia and that's a serious head-trip of a movie.
Those are good things about this movie. Here's some bad
things: Dominic Sena also made Swordfish a serious
shit-pipe of a movie. From what I've seen from the trailers
this film looks almost nothing like the comic book. Also,
how come a movie called Whiteout looks so fucking
greenish-grey. This will be good, maybe great if you've had
four beers.
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
2%
SORORITY ROW
Director:
Stewart Hendler
Cast:
Briana Evigan, Rumer Willis, Carrie Fisher
Summary:
A remake of the classic schlocky horror film about sorority
girls stalked by a serial killer.
Thoughts:
I sort of hate the fact that so many horror remakes are
being made as the good horror films with original concepts
are just being flushed right down the fucking shitter. But
here's something that's interesting to think of: maybe
Hollywood is just trying to create the shitty movies our
children (or your children as I'm not producing any of those
little buggers) can watch on Skinemax and such. I mean
maybe the sheer amount of crappy horror films is just
Hollywood's way of insuring that our children have trash to
watch just like we did? You know, I watch Pierce Brosnan in
Livewire (mostly for the boobs) and my kids will
watch a remake of Sorority Row (mainly for the
almost-boobs). I won't be seeing this film, ever, but
hopefully your children will.
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
40%
Final Thoughts:
Uh, I guess you could check out 9. Me? I'm staying
home and watching the original Sorority Row, because
it is so crappy it needs another watchin'.
Noah Sanders is the blog/news editor at Light In The
Attic and a contributor at Sound On The Sound and
the KEXP blog. He also has his own
Criterion-based film site, Criterion Quest.
If you'd like to contact Noah in regards to his
writings here at Side One: Track One then please do
so
here.
- Noah Sanders
-
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Unless
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