I might be calling this week a winner right out of the
gate. A rarity in these days of Hollywood dropping trouser
on the discerning viewers of the world. Feels a bit like
'Ollywood is ramping up for Halloween, what with a vampire,
a werewolf and film about a serial killer named Jigsaw.
My enthusiasm, it even makes me a little wary this week.
As always, thanks for reading.
Hitting Theaters This Weekend:
SAW VI
Director:
Kevin Greutert
Stars:
Tobin Bell, Costas Mandylor
Synopsis:
In which the slogging beast that is the Saw franchise
continues it's plodding march towards immortality.
Thoughts:
The Saw films are abysmal. I had a roommate in
Seattle, a rapper whom I will not name, that thought they
were the greatest films of all time. He also wore a purple
shirt with a giant raccoon on it (glittery eyes and all) and
rapped on stage as George Bush. He was a funny man, just
had terrible movie taste. I know there's plans for Saw
VII and VIII, and I won't be attending those
either. Out of all the horror franchises to jump in the
near-tens, why'd it have to be this pile of horsey poo-poo?
Alex Says:
"I can't tell if I'm really proud they
are
on a Saw marathon, or if I'm disappointed that they
keep beating a dead horse. So much death."
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
22%
CIRQUE DU FREAK: THE VAMPIRE'S ASSISTANT
Director:
Paul Weitz
Stars:
Chris Massoglia, John C. Reilly, Salma Hayek
Synopsis:
A bored suburban kid gets turned in to a vampire and joins a
wacky, freak-filled circus.
Thoughts:
I will give anything, ANYTHING (even that shitty remake
Criminal) a chance that has John C. Reilly in it. Thus
a kiddie tale of vampire assistants fighting the undead gets
knocked up to a "Might See". I can't exactly figure out
what accent Reilly is trying to use here, but, the chemistry
between him and carbon copied child actor seems quite good.
Alex Says:
"I think vampires are the new wolves."
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
35%
AMELIA
Director:
Mira Nair
Stars:
Hillary Swank, Richard Gere, Ewan MacGregor
Synopsis:
The biopic of lost flying ace Amelia Earhart.
Thoughts:
I'm not one for biopics. I think they invariably drag on
and on, and who can really sum up an entire life in just one
film? Maybe I'm still recovering from that ultimate snooze
fest that was/is La Vien Rose. Luckily this film has
something going for it, Mira Nair, director of The
Namesake, Monsoon Wedding and a few other flicks. She's
got a touch with the camera that brings heart and beauty and
color to just about any subject, so I have to imagine this
biopic is going to swell with all of those. Lord knows if
I'll actually see this one, but Nair's presence certainly
helps it's chances.
Alex Says:
"I like Amelia, she used to wear men's underoos."
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
18%
ASTRO BOY
Director:
David Bowers
Stars:
Freddie Highmore, Kristen Bell, Nicolas Cage
Synopsis:
A CGI adaptation of beloved Japanese manga, Astro Boy.
Thoughts:
You know, give me some robots and a child with guns for arms
all wrapped up in a big, juicy bit of CGI and I might just
be a happy camper. The trailer seems to lack a good amount
of the shitty pop culture references most modern day
animated films are bogged down with and that's a great
thing. Again, robots fighting weapon laden children. Sold.
Alex Says:
"Yeah I hate children."
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
42%
ONG BAK 2
Director:
Tony Jaa, Panna, Rittikrai
Stars:
Tony Jaa
Synopsis:
A martial arts orphan seeks revenge on those who killed his
family.
Thoughts:
I never, stupidly, saw Ong Bak and am scrambling to
get it home from Netflix so I can enjoy this film. There's
a scene in the trailer where Jaa does a flip off the face
off an elephant that is worth the twenty dollars a film
costs these days. That and the fact that the filming of
this movie was so stressful that Tony Jaa disappeared in to
the jungle for months, reappearing only with the help of
another, less emotionally crushed director. Whenever
directors spirits are crushed, good films are always made.
Well, sometimes.
Alex Says:
"Uhhh, I don't like watching people get hurt."
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
51%
ANTI-CHRIST
Director:
Lars Von Trier
Stars:
Charlotte Gainsbourg, Willem Dafoe
Synopsis:
Absolutely crazy shit happens in the woods. There's sex and
a talking fox involved.
Thoughts:
This is a theater film. Everyone's been excited about it,
with "Chaos Reigns" becoming the unofficial slogan of more
than a few film festivals. It's supposed to be dark and
creepy and full of odd sex and talking animals. Yes, the
near-ass shot of Willem Dafoe is a bit cringe-worthy, but
I'll take some Dafoe derriere any day of the week if it
means a new von Trier film.
Alex Says:
"That looks so frighteningly indelible. Also, Metallica's
creative director told me to see it."
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
51%
UNTITLED
Director:
Jonathan Parker
Stars:
Adam Goldberg
Synopsis:
A spoof on the modern art world.
Thoughts:
Modern art is a wild and wacky thing. No rules, not never.
And a film that pokes fun at this world looks to be pretty
enjoyable. Sadly, this film seems to have been made in 1992
and then held on a shelf for years and years and years. By
this I mean, it looks dated. The humor in the trailer seems
based around poking fun of artists (as if they need anymore
trauma in their life) and people falling over. Count me
out. I will count you out of my life if you throw even a
nickel towards this film.
Alex Says:
"It makes me sad. I really enjoy art and they're clearly
making fun of it in a way that's not cheeky or original.
It's my favorite thing about modern art, you can make it
whatever you want. So, well, does this get to be art?"
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
44%
MOTHERHOOD
Director:
Katherine Dieckmann
Stars:
Uma Thurman, Anthony Edwards
Synopsis:
A single mom in New York, you know, just doing her thang.
Thoughts:
Honestly, this makes me dislike Uma Thurman a bit. The
trailer at least makes it look trite and uninteresting and
full of the cliches every person I know could make about the
raising of a kid. Who knows though, hopefully it's just the
trailer and this is an inspired look at the humorous
difficulties of popping a few out and then raising them till
they can put you in a retirement home.
Alex Says:
"I still fucking hate kids."
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
32%
Final Thoughts:
Anti-Christ
gets the gold this week. It just looks so creepy. But
honestly though,
I think you, the discerning viewer can pretty much throw a
dart and go home happy, as long as your dart strays from
Saw and Motherhood.
Noah Sanders is the blog/news editor at Light In The
Attic and a contributor at Sound On The Sound and
the KEXP blog. He also has his own
Criterion-based film site, Criterion Quest.
If you'd like to contact Noah in regards to his
writings here at Side One: Track One then please do
so
here.
- Noah Sanders
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