There's literally nothing being released this week to the
great audiences of non-limited release America, and that
which is, is, well, not terribly pretty. Hell, the goodness
that usually festoons within limited release land is pretty
scarce as well.
Luckily, the lady I love, sick as a dog she is, decided to
do some armchair critiquing from her sickbed. So at least
we have that going for us.
Let the lampooning commence.
As always, thanks for reading.
Hitting Theaters This Weekend:
COUPLES RETREAT
Director:
Peter Billingsley
Cast:
Vince Vaughn, Jason Bateman, Kristen Bell
Summary:
A fix-up-your-relationship rom-com set on a tropical
island-style couple's therapy retreat.
Thoughts:
Dammit Vince Vaughn, why did you spend such a good period
time defining yourself as a quality actor who chose quality
roles, just to succumb to the giant cashbag that is big
budget Hollywood? I liked you and now your helping to
shit-up the place with flicks like this. There's actually a
strong involvement of high quality comedic actors in this
film so I'm not totally counting it out, but Jesus, that
trailer looks pulled out of the "Generic Rom-Com Manual for
Unoriginal Directors".
Alex says:
"This is something my stepmother would like. If you don't
like cosmos you probably won't enjoy this movie."
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
11%
GOOD HAIR
Director: Jeff
Stilson
Cast:
Chris Rock
Summary:A
documentary about Chris Rock exploring the wide and wondrous
world of the African-American hairstyle.
Thoughts:
I love a good documentary and I can't help but be fascinated
by an exploration of something I've never really thought a
great amount about - the black hair-do. Aside from a few
missteps in his almost perfectly hilarious career, Rock has
done almost no wrong in my very small book. Thus, a film
following his excavation of the black hair industry already
has me chuckling. Also, Gabrielle Union wears a weave? Is
their nothing sacred left in this world?
Alex says:
"Such a great subject that most people don't know about."
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
93%
AN EDUCATION
Director:
Lone Scherfig
Cast:
Carey Mulligan, Peter Saarsgard, Alfred Molina
Summary:In
the suburbs of 1960s London, an Oxford-bound teen (Carey
Mulligan) meets a playboy (Peter Saarsgard) and everything
is thrown asunder.
Thoughts:
I'm finding it hard to care a terrible lot about this film
as it seems to be a pretty standard exploration of
rebellious youth. But, and I'll admit to having no idea
what it is, there's something niggling at my mind, telling
me there's something special about this. Thus, I'll put it
in the, "Don't Hate on Sight" Pile, with a sticky note
attached that says, "Probably will forget entirely." Also,
when did Alfred Molina start playing father figures? Is the
grim specter of Death really that close?
Alex says:
"I really like the costumes. Leopard printed hairband!"
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
90%
BRONSON
Director:
Nicolas Winding Refn
Cast:
Tom Hardy
Summary:
The story of Michael Peterson, a criminal turned celebrity
because of his ultra-violent, ultra-dramatic years spent in
prison.
Thoughts:
Refn made the Pusher films, which I never saw, but
are sort of modern geek classics. This film looks amazing
to me. A prison story infused with style and grace in a way
most are not. Sure, it looks a little like a Brit
Chopper, but c'mon, everything's gravy when it comes
from the Commonwealth. Hardy's been making a name for
himself in Guy Ritchie films and was just cast in the new
Nolan flick. I'd say this is a must see.
Alex says:
"It's lovely to hear more about prisons."
Summary:
Students at a wild all girl's school turn to crime when the
"Man" tries to shut down their beloved high school.
Thoughts:
It's bullshit to me that anyone enjoyed high school enough
to turn to a life of crime to save it. That said, this
film, even with out totally unbelievable premise, looks to
embody every stereotypical high school cliché ever. Thus, I
will spend the weekend cursing it's name. Also, Gemma
Arterton? I'm pretty sure I saw her naked on FHM years ago
... when I was there researching something for ... uh ... an
academic paper.
Alex says: "It
looks like Fat Camp meets Spice Girls plus British
tarts. At least Rupert Everett is in drag."
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
32%
TRUCKER
Director:
James Mottern
Cast:
Michelle Monaghan, Nathan Fillion, Benjamin Bratt
Summary:
A truck driver (Michelle Monaghan) takes in her estranged
son, and her wild life on the road changes drastically.
Thoughts:
The trailer makes me cringe like I was back in the early 90s
and a slew of indie films were pounding on my door, and all
I could do was hide under my bed and wait for the next
Batman film. Alright, sort of kidding, but still there's a
lot of sun glare and emotion on screen here, and when I see
this many quotes I get a little worried. But, I love
Monaghan and I really enjoy Fillion in almost all
capacities, so I'll at least think about possibly putting
this on Netflix. Also, when is Benjamin Bratt going to get
famous again? He was hilarious as the drugged-out actor in
Thumbsucker. That part about bleeding out from his
bum ... woooo weeee.
Alex says:
"More ladies should drive trucks, I guess."
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
70%
FREE STYLE
Director:
William Dear
Cast:
Corbin Bleu, other people none of us care about
Summary:
Something about moto-cross. That's all I could garner from
the trailer. Which made my eyes bleed by the way. And not
in the fun Jesus way.
Thoughts:
At first, while watching this trailer, I was like, "oh
another crappy High School Movie spin-off". And then
all of sudden I'm in the middle of a film about ...
professional dirt biking? What in the hell is the matter
with the world? I'm so flustered I can't even think
anymore. Bartender line 'em up, it's time to make it all
just disappear.
Alex says:
"This film seems awwwwwwfullly formulaic (sigh of
discontent). It's a good thing that guy is already
famous."
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
31%
Final Thoughts:
This a losing week. A big ugly blemish of a week that needs
to be expunged, but between Good Hair and Bronson
there's at least something for a few lucky ones to indulge.
The rest of you, hide in your house with a lighter and some
hairspray.
Hollywood's a comin' and it's going to get bloody.
Noah Sanders is the blog/news editor at Light In The
Attic and a contributor at Sound On The Sound and
the KEXP blog. He also has his own
Criterion-based film site, Criterion Quest.
If you'd like to contact Noah in regards to his
writings here at Side One: Track One then please do
so
here.
- Noah Sanders
-
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Unless
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