We are
creeping, quite quickly actually in to the looming holiday
season and the studios are sort of coughing up the small
game in lieu of the enormous money makers to come. Of
course, this is the weekend of Twilight, so perhaps
I'm just talking out of my ass, but this feels like the calm
before the storm. An animated flick from the creators of
Shrek, a slightly chintzy looking sports flick, and of
course Bela and Edward - consider me non-plussed. It's the
limited films I'm interested in this go-around (as per
usual), what with a slew of fantastic foreign filmmakers
throwing out some amazing look films.
But perhaps the trailers will spin my opinion differently.
As always, Alex, reticent film dork, will be adding her
two-cents.
Again, thanks for reading.
Hitting Theaters This Weekend:
PLANET 51
Director: Jorge Blanco, Javier Abad
Stars: Dwayne Johnson, Seann William Scott, Jessica
Biel
What Is It?: Seems to be a sort of twist on the
unidentified flying object/alien invader story. Wherein
usually, aliens crash land on Earth and we spend an hour and
a half chuckling at their fish out of water story, this
go-around an astronaut (Dwayne Johnson) crash lands on to an
alien planet ... hilarity, sheer fucking hilarity ensues.
The Trailer?: Phew, I'm pretty much in full-on defeat
mode when even a few strands of that ZZ Top song play over a
trailer. For some reason it just puts me in the mindset of
that Kurt Russell Elvis movie, and that is not a good place
to be. That painful remembrance aside, the trailer does
almost nothing original, recycling any number of gags from
any number of equally terrible animated films. Hundreds of
thousands of children will see this movie though, so at
least somebody's getting rich of this travesty.
Will I See It?: Absolutely not. It's reason four
million six hundred and two that I'm not having children - I
don't want to get dragged to shit like this. Sorry future
spawns of Noah, you stay in imaginary baby land, and I'll
keep watching movies that I actually have a chance of
enjoying.
Alex says: "There's so much potential for a movie
about space to be epic. At least ten things in space can
kill you and this, this is it?"
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
17%
THE
TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON
Director: Chris Weitz
Stars: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor
Lautner
What Is It?: The second film in the increasingly fecal
shit-show that is, ahem, The Twilight Saga. This go
around they throw some werewolves in to the mix, and there's
a lot of lusty teen angst.
The Trailer?: For whatever reason (call me a
masochist), I've seen a lot of trailers for this film and
each one has been stupifyingly worse than the next. It flits
about like the attention span of their intended audience,
ten year old girls and my mother, and makes me quiver in
post-adolescent rage. Bella, Edward and the whole lot need
to be jettisoned in to the sun.
Also, whomever let that werewolf man have hair that long
needs to lose their job.
Will I See It?: Not if I was paid with a box of
diamonds. Big shiny diamonds.
Alex says: "Noah, do you think Bella and Edward will ever be
a part of our lives?"
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
29%
THE BLIND SIDE
Director: John Lee Hancock
Stars: Sandra Bullock, Quinton Aaron, Tim McGraw
What Is It?: Based on the book by Michael Lewis
(sports writer extraordinaire) this is the story of Michael
Oher (Quinton Aaron), a troubled youth who gets taken in by
a Southern housewife (Sandra Bullock) and becomes a terror
on the football field.
The Trailer?: Abysmal. I understand that there's a
market for this film that involves a certain demographic of
women (and men) who partake in that distinct form of torture
known as The Lifetime Channel, but jiminy cricket, this
trailer barely makes this film seem like a movie about
football. It's just schlocky adult contemporary music thrown
over images of Sanda Bullock being a tough mom on and off
the field. I actually swore out loud during this trailer,
and I didn't even do that for New Moon.
Will I See It?: It's up in the air. I'll see the movie
if it has something to do with football and the
coming-of-age of a disadvantaged kid on the football field.
I will not see it if it is even somewhat reminiscent of the
two minute trailer I was just force fed.
Alex says: "I don't know, I don't really like football ...
or Sandra Bullock."
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
69%
BROKEN EMBRACES
Director: Pedro Almodovar
Stars: Penelope Cruz, Lluis Homar, Blanca Portillo
What Is It?: From what I can tell there's a lot, a lot
going on in this film. Blind filmmakers, accidents involving
blindness, Penelope Cruz possibly naked - but in no way
whatsoever do I know how these things tie together.
Intriguing though, yes?
The Trailer?: Ah-mazing. Of course this film is going
to look amazing as Almodovar is a master of the craft, but
the music, the shot choice, the filmmaking on display here
gives away nearly nothing of the plot, but is riveting
nonetheless.
Will I See It?: I will certainly talk about seeing it,
and have in depth conversations with at least a few fellow
film nerds about the merits of modern day Almodovar. But in
the end, will I get out to a theatre and see this? Probably
not. But I am recommending you see it.
Alex says: "Looks like a masterpiece. Even the trailer
was a masterpiece."
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
80%
RED CLIFF
Director: John Woo
Stars: Tony Leung, Chiling Lin
What Is It?: The supposed return to form for woefully
waning director John Woo. A tale of ancient China, warlords
and a terrible emperor with which they must battle.
The Trailer?: Epic in the best way. Supposedly the
only way they'd release it in the States was if John Woo had
the opportunity to take the two-part behemoth and chop it in
to his own America-friendly two-and-a-half-hour cut.
Whatever, I'll take what I can get. You can feel the America
in this trailer - the sweeping orchestral score, the quick
cuts - but whatever, it's the most expensive movie ever made
in China, and with John Woo at the helm, I'm almost drooling
a bit.
Will I See It?: Yes, I haven't seen a good Chinese
epic in a dog's year and again, I'm slathering a bit just
thinking about this one.
Alex says: "The most expensive Chinese movie ever
made? That is a flop-curse, a big bouzhie (ilk of the
bourgeoisie) flop-curse."
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
87%
MAMMOTH
Director: Lukas Moodyson
Stars: Gael Garcia Bernal, Michelle Williams
What Is It?: An interwoven tale of globalization seen
through the eyes of an overworked doctor (Michelle
Williams), her husband (Gael Garcia Bernal) and their nanny.
The Trailer?: Pretty Babel-esque if you ask me.
Almost negatively so. I imagine this film, what with Bernal
and the always surprising Williams in the leads, is
interesting on its own right, but the push for the Babel
audience shakes me a little. If they're not confident in
creating their own movie, who's going to be confident enough
to watch it?
Will I See It?: On Netflix, indeed. In theatres, not
so much.
Alex says: "They already made The Beach and it
starred Leonardo Dicaprio."
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
53%
BAD LIEUTENANT: PORT OF CALL NEW ORLEANS
Director:
Werner Herzog
Stars: Nicolas Cage, Val Kilmer, Xzibit
What Is It?: The bat-fucking craziest project to come
out this year. A re-imagining of Abel Ferrera's already
bat-fucking crazy film Bad Lieutenant, directed by
obsessive, prolific, genius Werner Herzog starring the two
craziest men in film, Nic Cage and Val Kilmer.
The Trailer?: Hah hah hah, I don't even know. As soon
as Nicolas Cage is prodding imaginary iguanas on a table
with Val Kilmer questioning his sanity this trailer ascends
to amazing for me. Again, I'm shocked this one ever made it
to market, but even more amazed at the product seemingly
created.
Will I See It?: Yes, and yes, and, uh, yes. I love
myself a Herzog picture, and this looks as nutso as any of
the greats.
Alex says: "Werner, you surprise me."
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
84%
Final Thoughts:
A lot of good stuff is meandering in to the big cities, but
for the rest of America I almost feel sorry. I'd choose
Red Cliff, with Bad Lieutenant sitting in the
batter's circle.
Alex says: "Maybe this is a good week for every one to
make their own films. I've already got a good prompt: a day
in the life of your local arsonist."
Noah Sanders is the blog/news editor at Light In The
Attic and a contributor at Sound On The Sound and
the KEXP blog. He also has his own
Criterion-based film site, Criterion Quest.
If you'd like to contact Noah in regards to his
writings here at Side One: Track One then please do
so
here.
- Noah Sanders
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