Oh Hollywood, why must you always play with my heart? Last
week, and the week before, I was happy, ecstatic with the
beast that is the Hollywood machine. I found myself
sneaking in to theaters like a 13 year old to see a sold out
show of Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince,
rejoicing in a newly discovered love of modern movies. I
smiled, I glowed, I was nearly smashed by a bus riding my
bike to see a movie, in a theatre.
This week, I feel like retching on the floor. Films about
animated hamsters, romantic comedies, and shitty horror
flicks - welcome back Hollywood, you weren't missed a bit.
Hitting Theaters This Weekend:
G-FORCE
Director:
Hoyt Yeatman
Cast:
Will Arnett, Penelope Cruz, Zach Galifianakis
Summary:
An animated film about, sigh, a special force of guinea pigs
dispatched to save the world. My head it pounds with anger.
Thoughts:
Good. God. This is what we're shoveling in to the minds of
our children? A film about military guinea pigs? I'd like
to see the meeting that birthed this shit-baby. I mean,
sure it's not a remake or a sequel, but it's certainly a
brainless idea used to draw hapless parents and their drooly
kids to the thea-tah. Galifianakis, you should be ashamed
of yourself. Penelope Cruz, you're foreign, perhaps you
read the synopsis wrong.
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
15%
THE UGLY TRUTH
Director: Robert
Luketic
Cast:
Katherine Heigl, Gerard Butler
Summary:Take
every single romantic comedy you've ever seen and mix them
in a bowl. Pour in to a baking pan. Out comes this movie.
Thoughts:
I'm mad. Mad that I even have to write about fucking movies
like this. Gerard Butler,
there's a star in there somewhere,
you
just keep getting buried by your bone-headed film choices.
Katherine Heigl, you need to be strung up by your feet and
reminded that you're a good actress and you can do better
than this romantic shit. Robert Luketic, no one cares about
you, keep shoveling shit on your career for paychecks. I'm
fine with that.
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
13%
ORPHAN
Director: Jaume
Collet-Serra
Cast:
Vera Farmiga, Peter Sarsgaard
Summary: After
their baby dies, a couple (Farmiga and Sarsgaard) adopt a
child ... who might be evil.
Thoughts:
This movie has been made so many times. How does Hollywood
continue to pour money in to projects like these? How does
Vera Farmiga keep acting in the same movie? Why is
Sarsgaard struggling for pay check? Why am I so mad all the
time?
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
48%
LIMITED RELEASE:
THE ANSWER MAN
Director:
John Hindman
Cast:
Jeff Daniels, Lauren Graham, Lou Taylor Pucci
Summary:
A spiritual guidance author (Daniels) learns some life
lessons after he falls in love with a chiropractor (Graham).
Thoughts:
Though the synopsis sounds like filmic sleeping pills,
supposedly it's a light hearted romp that's been picking up
some steam in wake of Sundance. I'm always pro-anything
with Daniels in it, and Lauren Graham has a sort of handsome
attraction I'm in to. Am I foaming at the mouth for this
one? No. Will I see it above anything else this week?
Yes.
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
33%
Final Thoughts:
Jesus, I'm exhausted just writing about these films.
Noah Sanders is the blog/news editor at Light In The
Attic and a contributor at Sound On The Sound and
the KEXP blog. He also has his own
Criterion-based film site, Criterion Quest.
If you'd like to contact Noah in regards to his
writings here at Side One: Track One then please do
so
here.
- Noah Sanders
-
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Unless
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