Friday, January 30, 2009

It's a tiny, tiny week for films and it only acts as a fitting reminder of how goddamn tired I am of these awful January doldrums.  Hell, I'm ready for the onset of Blockbuster March and all the overhyped turds that month will bring.  At least those films have the possibility of being so mind-numbingly overwrought that I can disappear in to overpriced explosions and giant robots.  These tiny cast-off films are just so depressingly clichéd, so terribly unoriginal, that they're not even worth the price of a rental.

That said, here's my thoughts on this weeks' painfully awful looking films.

Hitting Theaters This Weekend:






THE UNINVITED

Director: Charles Guard, Thomas Guard
Cast: Emily Browning, Arielle Kebbel, David Straitharn, Elizabeth Banks

Summary: It's sort of like the stupidest Hamlet remake you've ever seen.  A girl's mother dies, and said mother's ghost warns her that her father's new lady (Elizabeth Banks) just might not be who she says she is.  I'm bored just writing about it.

Thoughts:  From everything I've seen, this looks like just another rehashed horror movie left over from the early 2000s.  Yes, the presence of nerd-wet dream mainstay Elizabeth Banks and flawed decision maker David Straitharn may trick a few unsuspecting horror fans in to thinking this is worth, well, anything.  But if you want my opinion, or if you don't, this is going to be a rehash of every nausea inducing Ring rip-off you've ever seen.

Rotten Tomatoes Score:  46%
 

TAKEN

Director: Pierre Morel
Cast: Liam Neeson, Maggie Grace, Famke Janssen

Summary: : A former spy's (Liam Neeson) daughter is kidnapped by, uh, slave traders.  He uses his considerable skills of, well, killing to, uh, kill a lot of people on the way to finding his daughter.

Thoughts:  My roommate acquired a copy of this film long long before the film ever came out and though I didn't watch it, the sounds of bones-breaking, faces smashing, things burning, and cars exploding that trembled out of the living room actually made me smile quite a bit.  I also love Neeson's speech in the trailer, but, sadly, everything I've heard about the film is pretty poor.  My roommates cleared out of the living room looking terribly shell-shocked, drained by the violence and pointless plot. 

On another note, I had no idea that Maggie Grace was the same Maggie Grace of Lost fame.  Either this movie has been sitting on a shelf since well before the popular TV show hit the screens, or this is one woefully miscast film.  Or both.

Rotten Tomatoes Score:  56%

NEW IN TOWN

Director: Jonas Elmer
Cast: Renee Zellweger, Harry Connick Jr., Nathan Fillion

Summary:  A rich, high-fashion consultant from Miami is shipped to small-town Minnesota.  What starts as disaster ends as a heart-warming tale of, you know, emotional stuff.

Thoughts:  I judge romantic comedies by one scale: how many times during their trailer the female lead sprawls across the ground in some sort of slapstick pratfall.  Seriously, just one "hilarious" stumble and I've already relegated the film to bargain bin status.  New In Town has two, maybe three such stumbles in the trailer alone.  Renee Zellweger, I sometimes feel as if all your poorly done plastic surgery has cracked your common sense measurer and now you're on a quest to only participate in films that will leave your former audience skeptical and confused about where the actress they once enjoyed so much has disappeared to.

Rotten Tomatoes Score:  13%

Final Thoughts:  I don't even know what to say anymore. In terms of these big name films that'll likely be found in every major megaplex in the country, I'm going to go with Taken.  I can't imagine watching Liam Neeson kick the shit out of people can be less enjoyable than d-level horror scares and Renee Zellweger's gasping spin in to obscurity.
 

- Noah Sanders - -



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