Another week, another slew of films getting crammed in to
the theaters. As always I'm here, erstwhile guide that I
am, to give you the heads up on what's good, what's bad,
what makes me want to play in traffic, and what fills with
the heady elixir of brilliance.
My brainy boss here at Side One: Track One, Johnny Boy
Laird, suggested that I include the Rotten Tomato score for
the film so you fine folk can have a better idea of the
true, unbiased nature of these films. I can be a real
uninformed ass on occasion, so including the score of an,
ahem, reputable film site like Rotten Tomatoes will go miles
in balancing my at-times aimless snark. Hope it helps.
I'll warn you this go around, the trio of movies being shat
in to theaters this week are as rough a bunch as I've seen
since, well, last January. Kind words will be few and far
between. Lord Hollywood, forgive me my insolence.
Hitting Theaters This Weekend:
UNDERWORLD: RISE OF THE LYCANS
Director:
Patrick Tatopoulus
Cast:
Rhona Mitra, Michael Sheen, Bill Nighy
Summary:
The ill-advised third film, a prequel, in a series about a
the age-old war between vampires and werewolves. This
go-around is set in medieval times and showcases the origin
story of those pesky lycans.
Thoughts:
Bill Nighy, you should be ashamed of yourself. The sense of
bafflement that has preceded the studios decision to make a
sequel to the blandly shitastic first film, has increased a
hundred fold with this entry in to the franchise. Not only
has the only recognizable star in the franchise, Kate
Beckinsale, wisely stepped away from this steaming,
chain-mail cloaked turd, but seemingly the film was funded
with stolen welfare and social security checks.
Rhona Mitra is impressively attractive, and I'll be honest,
I enjoyed her portrayal of Mrs. Mad Max in Doomsday,
but all her presence here only makes me feel sorrow for the
stomping it's going to dish out to her career. Bill Nighy
and Michael Sheen, actors I almost always love, must be
looking to purchase new houses, as their involvement in this
film just screams "PAYCHECK."
Don't get it in to your head that this film might sate your
urge for fantasy-related action films, 'cause it won't.
It'll hurt you, that's what it'll do. You stay away now.
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
N/A
INKHEART
Director:
Iain Softley
Cast:
Brendan Fraiser, Andy Serkis, Eliza Bennet
Summary:
: A little girl (Eliza Bennet) goes on a journey to save her
father (Brendan Fraser), a man capable of reading characters
in to existence, from a, er, bad person (Andy Serkis).
Thoughts:
From everything I've seen of this film, I thought it was
just another attempt to cash in on the young-adult age group
and their slim grasps of narrative and acting ability.
Reading in to it though, it seems as if these books, based
on the young adult works of Cornelia Funke, this might
actually be a fairly entertaining go. The presence of Andy
Serkis is encouraging, but a main role by continually career
collapsing Brendan Fraser just gives me flashbacks to the
third Mummy film, and that my filmic friends is
pretty painful.
I'm giving this one an downward-leaning "eh".
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
40%
KILLSHOT
Director:
John Madden
Cast:
Mickey Rourke, Diane Lane, Thomas Jane
Summary:
This adaptation of an Elmore Leonard novel, finds a couple
(Jane and Lane) knee deep in hitmen, when they're witness to
a badly executed kill.
Thoughts:
It seems a little two coincidental that this crime thriller
has been sitting on a dusty shelf for a long time, and just
as mutual star Mickey Rourke starts bringing home awards for
his role as a wrestler in The Wrestler, they just
decide to screen it. I haven't liked a Diane Lane film
since the nudity-rife Unfaithful and Mickey Rourke
does nothing but creep me out, but Thomas Jane is an
unrealized star I'm always rooting for.
This film stinks of unrealized potential. And the studios
aversion to screening it for critics (this being a film by
an Oscar-nominated director) turns me completely and totally
away. I'd say avoid.
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
N/A
Final
Thoughts:
There are so many good movies still making the theatre
rounds, the idea of wasting even a nickel on any of these
steaming piles makes me throw up a little in my mouth. Just
a little, but still.
Noah Sanders is the blog/news editor at Light In The
Attic and a contributor at Sound On The Sound and
the KEXP blog. He also has his own
Criterion-based film site, Criterion Quest.
If you'd like to contact Noah in regards to his
writings here at Side One: Track One then please do
so
here.
- Noah Sanders
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