Friday, February 27, 2009

I don't know how much more I can do of this.  I don't know if this January/February corridor is particularly worse than it has been in the past, or because of this column I'm just more in tune to exactly what comes out on a weekly basis, but, Lord Almighty is their a ton of absolute shit that pollutes our big beautiful movie houses each and every week. 

I thought last week was a couple of bamboo shoots to my urethra, but this week is almost as bad and I've got a ton of vitriolic rage to spill all over it, so lets get to the massacre.

As always, I'm just trying to forge a path through the junk heap that is current cinema.  Pointing out the rusty nails to avoid on my way to, hopefully, something better.

Hitting Theaters This Weekend:






JONAS BROTHERS: THE 3D EXPERIENCE

Director: Bruce Hendricks
Cast: A closet full of assholes.

Summary: The worst band to ever grow popular in the history of the entire universe (aside from Hitler's power-punk trio The Mach Schnells) drum punches another few nickels out of their sadly brain-damaged fan base by recording themselves lip-syncing. 

Thoughts:  I hate the Jonas Brothers as much as any musical act that as ever come before them.  I hate their stupid outfits and their religiously inclined, watered-down, turd water they call music.  I'd take an acoustic evening with Snow or Ini Kamozi or Body Count over ever having to hear another errant chord from this trio of suck. 

Thus, I won't be recommending this film.  On another note, I can't imagine a worst filmic experience, than throwing on a pair of 3-D glasses and having Blandface Jonas' pelvic thrust jumping off the screen in to my vision.  The mere thought terrifies me.  The film should come with a warning.

Rotten Tomatoes Score:  29%
 

CROSSING OVER

Director: Wayne Kramer
Cast: Harrison Ford, Sean Penn, Ashley Judd

Summary: Take Crash, subtract the racial tension and add the plight of immigrants - voila, Crossing Over.

Thoughts:  I haven't exactly jumped on the old Wayne Kramer bandwagon yet (I thought The Cooler was just a mess of tone and Running Scared not nearly good enough to warrant the hype), but I'm at least video-rental interested in this film.  Kramer is taking on a pretty big subject and I like the idea that serious film could reign in some of his outlandish tendencies.  An interesting fact, Kramer is actually a naturalized South African, and has inserted a character in to the film that seemingly mirrors his experiences as an immigrant in the United States. 

Harrison Ford might've stopped breathing ten years ago for all the dramatis personae he brings to his roles these days, but hell, this film seems to suit his natural character: a leather-faced curmudgeon.  With Ashley Judd, Ray Liotta and Sean Penn lurking in the wings, I'd say this film has a chance of at least being decent. 

Rotten Tomatoes Score:  11%

STREET FIGHTER: THE LEGEND OF CHUN-LI

Director: Andrzej Bartkowiak
Cast: Kristin Kruek, Michael Clarke Duncan

Summary:  The second attempt of making a cohesive film out of the wildly popular video game series of the same name.  This go around the film focuses on Chun-Li (Kruek) and her entrance in to a fighting tournament to try and find her padres killer.

Thoughts:  First off, I used to be pretty damn amazing at Street Fighter.  Not to toot my own horn, but give me Ken or Ryu and I could hold a machine for solid bit of time.  That said, I was also a bit addicted to video games and can still remember the nauseating feeling that coursed through my stomach while sitting in the movie theatre watching the first Street Fighter play out before me.  Thus I'll give my impressions on this film in two parts, in comparison to the first, and completely out of context.

Compared to the first Street Fighter:  This film looks like Heaven.  No cancer-riddled Raul Julia; no cocaine-binging Jean Claude Van Damme; no desecration of Angkor Wat - sweet, sweet cinematic bliss that I would roll my nude body in.

Not compared to the first Street Fighter: Looks like shit in a can.  Who casts the vacuous emotional void that is Kristen Kruek as the star of their film?  The same director who tried to make DMX in to a movie star, that's who.

Rotten Tomatoes Score:  N/A

Final Thoughts:  Another stinker of a week.  You might find something in Crossing Over but I'm not giving it the full recommendation.  Maybe you should sit down and try to write your own film this week about the loveable interactions between a baby seal and blood-thirsty killer.  Shop it to Fox, they'll pick up anything if it has Dakota Fanning in it.
 

- Noah Sanders - -



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