This has to be, hands down, the very worst Friday for film
releases of the entire year. I'm so stunned by the sheer
badness of the two films being spear-chucked at audiences
this weekend that I'm just going to bypass the weekly
introduction and jump straight to the fist-flying insults
this horrid day deserves.
Hitting Theaters This Weekend:
MADEA GOES TO JAIL
Director:
Tyler Perry
Cast:
Tyler Perry, Derek Luke
Summary:
Another unwatchable entry in the Madea series. This
time the overweight geriatric ends up, sigh, in jail. I
don't imagine any broomstick beatings or jail yard shankings
made it in to the script.
Thoughts:
Tyler Perry, and his entire brand of poisonous crap
currently degrading television and film, can chew on the
soft succulence of my bonch. If it doesn't involve Dustin
Hoffman, Tom Hanks, Jack Lemmon or Walter Mattheau, I'm
always, ALWAYS against men dressing up like women for
humor's sake. Every frame of every trailer of seen for this
film or any other film with Tyler Perry's name stapled to it
have not only turned me away from viewing the film, but
enraged me. This is popular comedy these days. These are
the films that the big name studios are throwing a hefty
amount of money at so we can have sequel after sequel after
sequel. And you know if the studios were pumping these
films out and they were bombing the box office, I'd be okay
with that. Choke on your own stupidity you big name
assholes.
But that's not the case. Oh no, we the American people
(hopefully not a single one of you currently reading this
post) are tossing cash at these films. We're taking our
children to see these films. We're going to these film for
first dates and family outings. And because of us throwing
away our money on the story of an old woman going to jail in
a non-serious way, we're being treated like the morons we're
presenting ourselves as. Get it together people. Go see a
film that has merit (Milk, Slumdog Millionaire,
Defiance, hell, Friday the 13th), please, so my
blood pressure will stop sky-rocketing and I can live to see
my thirtieth birthday.
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
N/A
FIRED UP
Director:
Will Gluck
Cast:
Eric Christian Olsen, Nicholas D'Agosto, Sarah Roemer
Summary:
: Football jocks bail on their training camp to partake in
the holy grail of tail-chasing: cheerleading camp.
Thoughts:
Uh, Jesus, I can barely muster the energy to lambaste this.
Just read the second paragraph of my thoughts on Madea
Goes To Jail. Then go outside and scream and scream and
scream to rid yourself of the anger coursing through your
veins.
It's like every year some schmuck, this time
failed-television producer Will Gluck, remembers that, "oh
yeah" American Pie was a really popular film and
"well shit" making a stale rehash of it might pull in some
brain-dead teenagers lunch nickels. There's a special place
in hell for people like you. A special place that involves
Velveeta cheese bongs and sharp, well-aimed pitchforks.
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
31%
Final
Thoughts:
Stay at home this weekend if you're feeling like a film.
Hell, rent a few of the classics, grab a Criterion film,
marathon a television series - but please, don't go even a
few steps towards the cinema unless you're armed with eggs
and rotten tomatoes.
Noah Sanders is the blog/news editor at Light In The
Attic and a contributor at Sound On The Sound and
the KEXP blog. He also has his own
Criterion-based film site, Criterion Quest.
If you'd like to contact Noah in regards to his
writings here at Side One: Track One then please do
so
here.
- Noah Sanders
-
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Unless
otherwise expressly stated, all text in this blog and any
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John Laird under a
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