I'm sick. I just toiled for ten hours at my job that
actually pays the bills around here. This column is almost
twenty-four hours late and I'm only now even thinking about
this weeks releases.
What I'm alluding to here is that my weekly journey through
everything Hollywood feels deem to spatter the bowl with is
going to be short, sweet and to the point. That's just how
I'm rolling this go-around.
Hitting Theaters This Weekend:
CONFESSIONS OF A SHOPAHOLIC
Director:
P.J. Hogan
Cast:
Isla Fisher, Hugh Dancy, Krysten Ritter, Kristen Scott
Thomas
Summary:
Rebecca Bloomwood (Isla Fisher) is an upscale New York
woman, so, duh, she loves clothes and men and doling out
advice to her equally vapid friends. She gets famous for
being stupid and clothes addicted and ends up learning a lot
of life lessons.
Oh god, just writing a fake description of this bloated
corpse of a film makes me gag a little. No, seriously, I
just had to swallow a little bit of vomit.
Thoughts:
I thought they made a "good" version of this movie a few
years back, I believe it was called The Devil Wears Prada.
I didn't see that, so I'm most certainly not going anywhere
near this rotten tripe sandwich. You suckers, men and
women, who end up in the Megaplex 1000 as some sort of
Valentine's Day penance, need to take a step back ... in to
traffic.
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
20%
THE
INTERNATIONAL
Director:
Tom Tykwer
Cast:
Clive Owen, Naomi Watts
Summary:
An Interpol agent (Clive Owen) and an Assistant D.A. try to
stop, duhn duhn duhn, a bank, from, uh, doing bad things.
Thoughts:
I want to like this movie. Tom Tykwer has a deft way with
his camera's sense of movement and I absolutely adore Clive
Owen and Naomi Watts. From what I've heard though the film
is as bad as it is boring and poorly written ... and it's a
film about two people fighting a bank. Yes, I'll say it
again Clive Owens and Naomi Watts are pitted against, sigh,
a bank, that most dangerous of financial institutions. I
think in the sequel they fight the U.S. Mint.
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
51%
FRIDAY THE 13TH
Director:
Marcus Nispel
Cast:
Jared Padlecki, Derek Mears, Amanda Righetti
Summary:
Jason. A hockey mask. A machete. Crystal Lake. Lots and
lots of blood and guts. Do you need more?
Thoughts:
So, so excited. Horror is my favorite genre. Jason and the
whole Crystal Lake butcher shop is as iconic and it gets,
and every horror dork I know is very, very excited about
this film. Also, did I mention gratuitous nudity? Screw
the critics on this one folks, it's going to be a fucking
blast.
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
28%
UNDER THE SEA 3D
Director:
Howard Hall
Cast:
The looming voice of Jim Carrey
Summary:
Uh, something to do with the sea and 3D glasses.
Thoughts:
You can't really go wrong with big, pretty pictures of the
sea, and the aforementioned 3D glasses.
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
94%
Final
Thoughts:
Jason hacks his way to the top of the pops. If you're not
horror inclined, roll yourself a fatty and head to the IMAX.
Noah Sanders is the blog/news editor at Light In The
Attic and a contributor at Sound On The Sound and
the KEXP blog. He also has his own
Criterion-based film site, Criterion Quest.
If you'd like to contact Noah in regards to his
writings here at Side One: Track One then please do
so
here.
- Noah Sanders
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