Friday, February 6, 2009

You can kind of feel Hollywood, in these early days of February, clawing its way from the freshly dug Earth of the January Doldrum season.  There are actually a few films this week that I would possibly spend a small wad of cash on to see in the theaters.  After weeks and weeks and weeks of avoiding these hallowed grounds because of the, well, shit that's dribbling out of the projectors, I'm ready to return.  And that's a good feeling.

In case you haven't been following in the past: my name is Noah Sanders and I'm here to smarmily give my take on the films releasing each and every week.  I love films more than the average yokel, but let me tell you, there is some real crap coming out of old Tinseltown these days, and that's why I'm here, to help you make those daunting filmic decisions we all stress about.  Or at least I stress about, because I have too much free time.

Hitting Theaters This Weekend:






PINK PANTHER 2

Director: Harald Zwart
Cast: Steve Martin, Jean Reno, Emily Mortimer

Summary: In this sequel to the ball-shrinking remake of an absolute comedy classic, Inspector Clouseau (Steve Martin) speaks in a terrible French accent, makes fart jokes, and falls through several tables ... and impersonates the Pope ... falling off a balcony. 

Thoughts:  I don't have a lot of attachment to the original Pink Panther films, though I know a lot of film geeks the world over certainly do.  My malign for this film stems from two things: first, I'm almost livid thinking about what Steve Martin's early career as an intelligent, zany comic was compared to the paycheck-hungry family film aficionado he's become late in his life.  Makes my blood boil.  Second, I'm so sick of this sort of dreck being put upon the masses and instead of, like intelligent film-goers, rejecting these steaming piles, millions and millions of us eat it up, funding their continued creation.  Be a friend to good films, avoid this one airborne syphilis.

Rotten Tomatoes Score:  7%
 

PUSH

Director: Paul McGuigan
Cast: Camilla Belle, Dakota Fanning, Chris Evans

Summary: A bunch of super-humans are pursued by a shady government agency seeking to use them as weapons.

Thoughts:  For whatever reason I'm sort of excited about this film.  Sure, the entire crux/title of the film seems to be related to the fact that Chris Evans character can, well, push things with his mind, but the previews have me sort of amped for cheesy b-movie superhero action.  Lots of things explode, Dakota Fanning is continues her awkward shuffle in to adolescence and I'm pleasantly surprised the Djimon Honsou is still amongst the acting.  I'm certainly not claiming that this is going to be a brainy affair full of deep themes and deeper narrative, oh no, this is going to big and stupid and just possibly fun.

Rotten Tomatoes Score:  29%

HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

Director: Ken Kwapis
Cast: Ginnifer Goodwin, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Connelly

Summary:  A handful of tales about romance, some good, some bad.

Thoughts:  From the handful of films on Ken Kwapis' filmography (including The Sisterhood of The Traveling Pants and License to Wed) I'd imagine this film is going to be only a little less painful than a non-anesthetic lobotomy.  It's your standard '30-somethings flit about, screwing each other and screwing each other over all in the pursuit of a little thing called love film' and if you're not in to that genre, don't even think about attending.  It'll be sappy and cliche, but hell, sometimes these films just hit you in your tender spots.  Glancing at the trailer I'm baffled that this film features Ben Affleck, Scarlett Johansson and that weasly guy from Entourage.  This one's probably been stewing on a shelf for a hefty period of time.

Rotten Tomatoes Score:  40%

FANBOYS

Director: Kyle Newman
Cast: Dan Fogler, Jay Baruchel, Kirsten Bell

Summary:  Nerds, big fat smelly nerds, road trip cross-country to, uh, steal a print of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace so a near-death friend can view it.

Thoughts:  This film has been in the can (that's Hollywood speak for "finished") for ever and ever and ever and ever (as evidenced by the fact that the stolen film in question is a Star Wars' film that came out when I was in high school).  When films sit idly on the shelf, collecting dust, it usually means they suck ass and no one thinks they're going to make money.  Sure, this film might garner a bit of a cult love from the dork sect, but I'm going to leave this one as a low entry on my Netflix queue.

Rotten Tomatoes Score:  29%

CORALINE

Director: Harry Selick
Cast: Dakota Fanning, Teri Hatcher, John Hodgman

Summary:  Coraline, an unhappy child in a seemingly unhappy family, finds a door in to a strangely happy parallel universe.

Thoughts:  I am fully behind this film.  Neil Gaiman, Harry Selick, 3-D stop motion animation?  What's not to like?  I will say this, I've read a few places that people are calling this film a "Pixar killer" - I don't believe that.  This is a strange film about a family with buttons for eyes, and I imagine a lot of parents aren't too keen on bringing their kids down Nightmare Lane.  This is going to be an incredible experience as a film, but I think people are a little too excited about it's financial potential.  Nonetheless, I'm there this weekend, checking it out.

Rotten Tomatoes Score:  88%

Final Thoughts:  I'm actually not that angry about this week's selection.  Coraline is going to be incredible, I don't hate Push or He's Just Not That In To You, and even Fanboys doesn't irk me terribly.  Pink Panther 2 on the other hand makes me want to give up on the whole damn Hollywood.
 

- Noah Sanders - -



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