In typical this column fashion, I'm attacking
the holiday season's bounty of shitastic and delightful
films midway through the titular holiday season. Thus, I'm
breaking down my attack of the bloated budgets in to a three
category bit of madness highlighting the Yuletide films I've
seen, the films I want to see, and the films that the rest
of mush-brained America will throw their wadded one dollar
bills at.
The holiday season is always a big one for films and me. My
family has been seeing a Christmas movie for as long as I
can remember (Cool Runnings one year, Scrooged another)
thus I dig through upcoming releases with one thought in
mind: what'll do best for my oft times cranky family of film
lovers.
Lovely Alex, a notorious scrooge, will be voicing her
sugar-plum laced opinions as well.
Hope ya'll have a lovely season. Drink some egg nog, hug a
friend, do something nice for someone else, doesn't matter
what you believe in.
As always thanks for reading.
What I've Seen So Far:
The Fantastic Mr. Fox
What Is It?: Wes Anderson (The Royal
Tenenbaums and such) takes on Roald Dahl's oft times
overlooked short fiction piece, The Fantastic Mr. Fox ...
in stop-motion.
What'd I Think?: I'm an enormous Wes Anderson apologist and
am one of few people who loved/loves Darjeeling Limited.
Even with word that Anderson directed this from his Paris
hotel room, I absolutely loved this movie. It's magical and
silly and beautiful to look at, and Anderson and Noah
Baumbach's script just flies along, gifting each character
with the sort of quirky intellectualism their known for.
Blown away, absolutely blown away.
Should You See It On Christmas?: Yes, yes you should with
your entire extended family, the homeless man who roots
through your garbage, and the family of Jehovah's Witnesses
from across the street - they'll all love it.
Alex Says: "Noah saw this film in the theater with out
me. Thus I probably won't be seeing it until it is available
on Netflix Instant, but I'm really looking forward to
that day."
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
92%
Up In The Air
What Is It?: The highly anticipated third
effort from Hollywood golden boy Jason Reitman (Thank You
For Smoking and Juno). Reitman again digs in to
the world of a likable asshole, an outsider purposefully
living on the fringes. This time it's George Clooney's
Ryan Bingham, a termination engineer, who spends his entire
life ... in the air.
What'd I Think?: Eh. I'm going to go against popular
opinion and say I wasn't absolutely wowed by this film.
There's great parts (George Clooney continues his seemingly
unstoppable march of amazing roles) and some great scenes
but the films overlong and clouded with cliché. It isn't a
complete strikeout, but it certainly isn't a success.
Should You See It On Christmas?: Hmmmm ... sure. It's just
so chock full of cliché it might touch that gooey soft spot
just below your spleen. Yeah, that one.
Alex says: "The worst god damn film I've seen in ages.
Jesus H! I nearly left the theater."
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
90%
Films Worth Missing:
Invictus
What Is It?: Eastwood's non-stop avalanche
of late-life films continues. This time he digs in to the
world of Nelson Mandela and his attempt to reunite the
nation using their rugby team. Matt Damon stars as the
captain of the Springboks.
The Trailer?: Eh, looks too damn heartwarming. Mandela is
a fascinating icon and I think this story is an interesting
way to go about lending a personal air to his mammoth image.
But criminy, how many swelling strings and shots of white
people playing with black youth do you need to lure the hook
with Oscar bait? Puh-pass.
Why No X-Mas Viewing?: I don't want to be heart-warmed on
X-Mas, I want to be surprised or wowed or taken completely
out of the holiday spirit. This looks too inspiring and
that, that grosses me out.
Alex Says: "Do you have a largish
nice-ish television? Then I suggest to skip this new
generation Mighty Duck film and watch Cry Freedom.
A riveting true story about Steven Biko, if you've never
heard of him I implore you, you need to see this film, it's
also a book if you're into words on a page."
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
77%
Nine
What Is It?: A
musical adaptation of Fellini's surreal classic 8 1/2.
A famed director struggles to produce his next
masterpiece, and by struggle, I mean, he sleeps with as many
beautiful women as he can in his attempt to knock another
one out of the park.
The Trailer?: Looks like every hot woman in Hollywood was
somehow wooed in to the making of this film. Though I heard
Nicole Kidman was in the film, and her ice princess mug
doesn't seem to make the trailer.
Why No X-Mas Viewing?: We saw Dreamgirls for
Christmas one year and no one was happy.Well except for Eddie Murphy, but he hogged
all the popcorn. That mistake will not be made again.
Alex says: "Let's just get
tickets to the cast party."
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
43%
It's Complicated
What Is It?: Looks like Meryl Streep and
Alec Baldwin got blackmailed by terrorists or something,
because this looks like utter rom-com shit to me. Man and
woman love each other, but are divorced ... antics ensue.
The Trailer?: Gut-wrenching. I feel like someone poured
acid in my throat, and then kicked me in the nuts when I was
down.
Why No X-Mas Viewing?: I'd rather be crucified like my old
pal Jesus.
Alex Says: "Meryl Streep. Alec
Baldwin. Steve Martin. I would see this film. I would see
this film if paid for by my step-mom this holiday season if
we weren't on bad terms. She's a bully. Make a bully pay for
your ticket on this one."
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
44%
Alvin And The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel
What Is It?: Just the sort of film that'll
ruin the holidays.
The Trailer?: As painful as a metallic gouge to the
eyeball.
Why No X-Mas Viewing?: The squeaky tones of animated
chipmunks makes my brain pulsate. Also, Jason Lee looks
like he's been hitting the hamhocks a little hard. But even
that isn't an excuse for him to be in this film.
Alex says: "Alvin,
Simon, Theodore! I was always Alvin.
"
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
24%
The Imaginarium Of Dr. Parnassus
What Is It?: Heath Ledger's final film.
Terry Gilliam's latest possibly crappy film. It looks like
those King's Quest games from Sierra in the 1990s.
The Trailer: Johnny Depp's playing at being English again,
and as I said above the film looks almost too computer
graphic heavy. But there's a sort of terrifying whimsy to
the trailer that had me sitting on the edge of my seat. Yet
still, I have no idea what this film is about.
Why No X-Mas Viewing?: I just don't trust you Terry
Gilliam. That whole Man of La Mancha debacle broke
you in a way that crushed your creative spirit and in
crushing that spirit, broke your ability to make a good
movie.
Alex Says:"Imaginarium
is not found on Dictionary.com nor Noah Webster's hideous
website, but I like this trend. Or maybe it's less of a
trend then a trait present since the beginning of humanity."
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
63%
Films Worth Seeing:
The Princess And The Frog
What Is It?: Disney's back in the
traditional 2-D game with this New Orleans-centric retelling
of the Princess/Frog story. Looks to have some voodoo, some
pretty sangin', some obnoxious sidekicks, and a typically
Disneyfied female protagonist.
The Trailer?: Uh, well, it doesn't exactly wow me. The film
looks beautiful, but yikes-stripes this is just rehashed
Disney nonsense.
Why Possible X-Mas Viewing?: There's some part of me that
still just wants a return to the Golden Age of Disney. I
want Belle and Ariel and Jasmine and that thief kid in one
giant superstar spectacular. But that's never going to
happen, so I'll take my chances with a new female
protagonist and her farting firefly friend.
Alex Says: "I like grits and
innies. When I might see this film: bored on a plane behind
a squirming toddler with a portable dvd on her lap."
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
83%
The Lovely Bones
What Is It?: Jackson's take on the
monumentally cheesy tale of life and life-after-death that
is Alice Sebold's Lovely Bones. A lot of dreamy
afterlife and heart-wrenching emotional turns to be had
here.
The Trailer?: If not for
Jackson's participation in this film, I'd be wont to see it.
Seriously, no one wants a trailer for the sequel to What
Dreams May Come ... no one. And this, this trailer
makes me want to go find Robin Williams and give him a
lengthy shake-down.
Why Possible X-Mas Viewing?: Peter
Jackson does dip his wick in the old fondue pot every once
in a while, but his films still scream with an epic sort of
imagination that always knocks me on my ass. I'm still
excited from the T-Rex fight in King Kong and I'll
admit it, Lovely Bones made me cry like I was wearing
a diaper. Thus, maybe Jackson'll will subvert expectations
and make a solid piece of film, not some emotional piece of
flan.
Alex Says:"I
guess."
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
41%
Avatar
What Is It?: Cameron's
first film in nearly twelve years. An epic space-opera that
many have been referring to as a space retelling of
Dances With Wolves. Man with problems immerses himself
in the trials and tribulations of a distant planet's
indigenous people, war breaks out, man must decide who he
is.
The Trailer?: Looks fucking huge. The computer-graphics on
my fourteen inch screen don't do much, but I imagine in the
cold confines of the largest theatre I can think of, it'll
be just jaw-dropping.
Why Possible X-Mas Viewing?: 'Cause
sometimes I want my Yuletide celebrated with explosions,
giant robots, and alien races wrecking shop. Who's with me?
Alex Says: "Sigourney Weaver is
still such a sex pot. Her and Bill made such magical slimer
moments."
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
84%
Crazy Heart
What Is It?: The
lonesome tale of a broke-down musician (Jeff Bridges) and
his last ditch effort to save his weary soul.
The Trailer?: Honestly, looks
like someone sprayed cheese-dick on a wall. And by that I
mean, no way no how.Bridges
looks like The Dude but slowly pushed through the
meat-grinder, reconstructed in all the wrong ways and then
sent out on the road. And that looks awesome.
Why Possible X-Mas Viewing?: Jeff
Bridges sort of looks like Santa Clause, and a hard-boozing
Santee Claws always gets me excited. Just like Pops used to
do.
Alex Says: "Jeff Bridges, why
aren't you my uncle?"
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
90%
Sherlock Holmes
What Is It?: A new take on the classic
Arthur Conan Doyle character. This time Robert Downey Jr.
plays Holmes and a bemustached Jude Law plays Watson.
There's a lot of fighting and shirtless Downey. I'm
swooning already.
The Trailer?: Looks great. People are bitching that it
looks too much like a Ritchie film, but guess what suckers?It is. This is going to be a new kind of
Holmes friends, one where martial arts are used, cuts are
quick, and sex is had. A Victorian James Bond if you ask
me.
Why Possible X-Mas Viewing?: This movie looks great. I've
been waiting on a good Ritchie film since Snatch and
think without Madonna cluttering up his mind, this might be
the one. Also my parents have both stated that this is the
film they want to see, and since they foot the bill for
popcorn, I do what they say.
Alex says: "Tweed and British
prints! A book written by an author bed ridden who was
administered cocaine as a treatment. Definitely going to be
a gem. Don't fuck it up Robert Downey Jr."
Rotten Tomatoes Score:
71%
Final Thoughts: I was sure coming in to this Holiday
Holidaze that there would be one, maybe two films I'd be in
to.
But this holiday season seems to have a strong showing of
old directors and old actors that I'm still curious about.
Sure, there's a sequel to the rodent film, but I can maybe
forget about that (when I'm on my deathbed). I think
Sherlock Holmes will end up being my X-Mas film, but at
least there's a solid handful of other flicks I can peruse
as the season grinds on past.
Alex's Final Thoughts: "notorious
scrooge" Noah?
Hardly. I'm closer to the beryl fur colored Grinch.
You're a rotter, Mr. Grinch.
You're the king of sinful sots.
Your heart's a dead tomato splot
With moldy purple spots,
Mr. Grinch.
Noah Sanders is the blog/news editor at Light In The
Attic and a contributor at Sound On The Sound and
the KEXP blog. He also has his own
Criterion-based film site, Criterion Quest.
If you'd like to contact Noah in regards to his
writings here at Side One: Track One then please do
so
here.
- Noah Sanders
-
-
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