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Movie Breakdown: Transformers: The Last Knight

June 21, 2017

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Pre-Screening Stance:

There’s not a single part of me that believes Transformers: The Last Knight is going to be worth my time.  With that being said, I really feel like Michael Bay and Co. have to eventually get one of these right.  They just have to!

Post-Screening Ramble:

I try to avoid labeling things as awful or amazing (because most of the time they’re not either), but Transformers: The Last Knight is a truly awful movie.  It’s not fun, and it’s confusing as hell.  From what I could gather, here’s the story.  Back in the Dark Ages, Merlin (Stanley Tucci, for some reason) was a drunk who stumbled upon a derelict spaceship.  In it was a transformer who gave him an all powerful staff and the ability to control a three-headed robo-dragon.  Sloshed Merlin then used both to save all of England.  Afterwards his actions became myth and the super staff (and accompanying dragon) went missing.  Flash forward to now-ish, and Optimus Prime is floating in space and transformers have been outlawed on Earth.  There’s a unit called the Transformers Resistance Force (TRF) who hunt down robo-kind and destroy them because people are tired of having their homes and stuff blown up.  Inside of the TRF are double agents (namely a spikey-haired Josh Duhamel) who also work for the Army (but in a different branch?) and they’re kind of OK with transformers, but they also want to see them gone.  In addition to these guys, there’s Cade Yeager (a bewildered Mark Wahlberg), and he spends his time saving transformers because he believes they should be allowed to live on Earth.  There’s also a young girl, Izabella (a spunky but annoying Isabela Moner), who Cade saves near the beginning of the movie.  She happens to be good at fixing transformers, but she and her rickety robo-pal never really do anything but get in the way.  Then there’s a lot of Autobots (like Bumblebee) and Decepticons (like Barricade) in play.  Unsurprisingly, Megatron is around, too, and he wants to find the legendary staff (why didn’t he know about it in previous movies?) and destroy Earth.  On top of all these regular and metal characters is Sir Edumnd Burton (a bizarre Anthony Hopkins) and his trusty robo-sidekick, Cogman.  They’re a part of some secret organization that protects transformers.  PLUS, there’s Vivian Wembley (a Megan Fox-looking Laura Haddock), a lady who can’t seem to land herself a man, but she knows a lot about King Arthur, Merlin and the like.  That’s everyone/thing, I think.  In any case, they all end up jammed together because Optimus Prime meets his maker, the all CG and very video gamey Quintessa, and she goes about convincing him to transport Cybertron to Earth so that they can restore it and have a new place to live.  This could mean the end of Earth (just like in all the movies before this one).

Whew.  As you may have noticed, that’s a fuck ton of plot … and it’s just the setup for acts two and three of The Last Knight.  So much more follows!  This damn film just never shuts up.  It spews out plot like few things I’ve ever seen before, and after a while it becomes impossible to figure out what’s going on.  Also, this movie is obnoxiously loud.  I – and I’m not kidding here – sat next to a couple with two crying children, and it didn’t even bother me all that much because they were constantly drowned out by yelling and explosions.

Don’t see this movie.  It’s terrible.

One Last Thought:

I find it bizarre that I can’t at all tell whether or not Michel Bay enjoys making these movies.  I know it’s possible he only does it for the big payday, but surely some part of it is fun for him?  Why doesn’t it ever show up on the screen?

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